I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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