i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
