my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Duck Duck Cougar?
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
