Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize