so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
