My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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