Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Randomize
