On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
