Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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