so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
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