Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
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