Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize