This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
