she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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