i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
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