I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
