you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
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