How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Randomize
