I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Randomize
