is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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