my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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