if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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