everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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