Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
