tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Randomize
