I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
