I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
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