I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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