Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Randomize
