I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
You may now shotgun with the bride
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize