Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
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