I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize