Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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