Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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