I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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