Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize