I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
