we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Can I color on your dick again?
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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