Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize