I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
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