Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
