There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
