too bad you live with your parents still
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
