We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
