Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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