The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Randomize
