since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
