As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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