i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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