Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
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