How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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