I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Randomize
