I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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