His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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