3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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