and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
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