i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
