its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
