Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
