You're my little dorito
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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