Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
