This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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