He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize